It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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