gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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