You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
