someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
