Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
