capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
