I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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