One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
