Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
