I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
