i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i drank out of a bidet.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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