Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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