well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
