We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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