soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
