he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
