Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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