if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
