A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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