there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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