i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
