she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
