apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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