I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
