You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
