saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
