So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
