U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
