I puked a lego.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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