Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
