There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
