i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
