It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
