Tell her she can't have a vagina
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
