that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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