My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
