he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
