I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
