Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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