Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
