talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
