Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
