She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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