I hope mine doesn't look like that
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
