Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
