I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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