i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
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I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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