1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
