My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm at about main and main street
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
