Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
