If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
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We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
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I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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