Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
