You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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