Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I need water and some morals
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
