fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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