Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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