He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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